Hot Lists Wednesday, April 18th

Hereford Hot Weather Bingo (inc sunburn, cider and Lock's Garage)

Hot Lists Wednesday, April 18th

Hereford Hot Weather Bingo (inc sunburn, cider and Lock's Garage)

Hereford’s a pretty good place when the sun’s shining. Like the rest of England, we wait for that special day in April when summer finally breaks through – and then promptly sweat our way through grey t-shirts down the nearest beer garden.

That day may have come. Here’s a checklist so you can be sure: 

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1. You see a Facebook post featuring one of Lock’s Garage’s a towering ice creams. You become instantly jealous.

2. You see a Facebook post featuring one of your friends, in their garden, drinking a pint of cider half-full of ice. Jealousy turns to hate.

3. Bonus points if that same, annoying friend captions the photo with ‘Lush’, ‘Hot dog legs’ or ‘Office for the day’.

4. You walk across Bishop’s Meadows, where a gentleman of an older generation - joined possibly a by a few younger, European men - proves that no, it’s never too early for Speedos.

5. You call in to Tesco to pick up one of those tin foil temporary BBQs, but they’re sold out. You do however to witness a fistfight between two young mums over the last pack of choc ices, before the guy on the butcher’s aisle tries to sell you a whole leg of lamb which he’s branded up as a Family Size BBQ Pack.

6. You see at least one skinny lad walking his Rottie topless through High Town, t-shirt tucked in to the back of his trackies.

7. Bonus points if he has a chubby mate with him who’s also taken his top off, but is walking alongside him although with notably less confidence.

8. Bonus bonus points if both have St Georges’ Cross/Union Jack/cartoon bulldog tattoos.

9. You finish work at 5pm. You’re in the Barrels' beer garden by 5:05pm.

10. You finally get to bar around 5.30pm.

11. You realise you need a new pair sunnies, so call in to TK Maxx which has, impressively, managed to clear every item of clothing from its groundfloor overnight and replaced them all with cut-price Police sunglasses.

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12. You spot at least two retirees visiting the poppy exhibition wearing Crocs instead of their usual hiking boots.

13. Around 3pm, Dave From Accounting drops his third button and begins to regret wearing his grey shirt as your office’s air-conditioning begins to lose the fight. Around the same time, you begin to engineer a fake cough, by way of groundwork for a sickie tomorrow having checked BBC Weather at lunch.

14. You see an Art College student quite literally melt as they try to walk up Aylestone Hill whilst wearing two black hoodies whilst carrying a guitar.

15. You see a Corsa-full of Sixth Form students in traffic rocking out to Miami by Will Smith with the windows down. You hear one of them ask ‘if this is Drake’s Dad’. You feel old.

16. You pass one of the High Town/Old Market coffee shops in the late afternoon and see a group of three middle-aged women chasing the last of the sun with their second £6 Frappuccinos of the day whilst - unbeknownst to them - the precise outline of their strappy tops is now clearly and horrendously burnt on to their unprepared torsos.

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17. You hear a desperate-sounding Mum telling her son about the time an urban mythical kid both his ankles, wrists and left little finger jumping off Vicky Bridge.

18. You see a post on Facebook from either your Annoying Cousin Who’s Currently On A Gap Year In Australia, or your squaddie mate who’s been posted to the Middle East. Despite their different circumstances, the caption will be the same: ‘Don’t no wat all the fuss is about’ and an emoji sticker to signify the temperature is significantly hotter where they are.

19. You can hear lawnmowers all day, despite the fact you are nowhere near a lawn.

20. Three of your friends retweet a meme about Are You Even British If You Don’t Drink Tea On A Hot Day.

21. Your walk home features the soothing smell of BBQs, and the not-so-soothing sound of a forty-something man trying and failing to cook a frozen burger over a half-lit BBQ (“Christ’s sake – why don’t YOU go out and get the bloody brioche buns Linda, if you want brioche buns that bad. There’s something wrong with this charcoal).

22. If you are driving home, you savour that 30-second, sunkissed walk across the carpark, almost tasting that first cold beer in your garden – only for the commute to take twice as long as apparently every cyclist in the world is out riding two-by-two on your specific route home. You get there just in time to see the last square metre of lawn covered by shadow.

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23. You see a Facebook comment from your mate’s aunty on a post by the Hereford Times/Hereford Carboot/Your Herefordshire that starts off by saying how nice the weather is but actually she’d prefer it a little bit cooler with more of a breeze, and finishes up by complaining about the council and/or immigrants.

24.  As the sun drops, the dog-walkers on your Instagram feed will abuse the new iphone’s portrait mode capturing golden sunsets and silhouettes of the nearest bridge/tree/dramatic phone pylon. Bonus points if you see one of these apparently candid shots being posed for in real life as the couple attempt for the 14th time to get their dog, the river and the sun-kissed horizon in to the same shot.

25. If this is being read on the second or third day of a hot spell look out for all of the above plus; the constant shifting of an sunburnt co-worker at the their desk, having the same conversation with three different people about Aloe Vera and the subsequent comparison of tan lines, and the crushing inevitability that, come the weekend, the clouds will have returned.

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